War, What is it Good For?

Credits: diletant

I don’t care what kind of blood feud your family has going on with the family that runs the local sawmill. I don’t care that your grandfather’s grandfather and their grandfather’s grandfather were best friends and went into business together and go along great until one of them cheated the other, cutting them out of their share of the profits, ruining their lives in the process. You wanna see a legit, DEEP, blood feud? Then scope out the Romans and the Persians – they were at war for 721 years! That’s generations upon generations upon generations of hatred.

Cracks in the Foundation

Credits: yandex

The Roman Empire was so advanced that for 1,000 years after The Fall, no one knew how to make concrete. It took a thousand years for anyone to come up with a way to make concrete and even at that, it was nowhere near as powerful as what was used in ancient Rome.

I’ll See your Trump and Raise you a Caligula

Credits: Ancient Origins

CaligulWhere to begin… Penthouse co-financed a movie based on the debauchery of his life that somehow scored both Helen Mirren and Peter O’Toole. He made his horse a senator. He performed/committed/took part in incest with his sisters. He also fed prisoners (often wrongly imprisoned) to wild beasts. This dude is in the Hall of Fame for Worst Leaders of All Time.

Atheist Christians

Credits: abim

Because the early Christians didn’t worship the pagan gods that were popular in Rome at the time (i.e. the myriad poop gods they had), they were considered “atheistis”. They were also considered cannibals because they spoke of eating the body and drinking the blood of Christ. They had to actually invite the authorities to their services to prove that it was symbolic and not some soccer-team-crashed-in-the-mountains situation.

Gettin’ PAID

Credits: imperio romano

Charioteers in Ancient Rome were out there getting paid. Take the Derek Jeter of chariot-racing, Gaius Appuleius Diocles – dude amassed the equivalent of $15 BILLION (WITH A “B”!!!!) DOLLARS USD in today’s cash moneys!

Peace Out

Credits: wikipedia

Cincinnati is named after former Roman dictator Cincinnatus. He basically came in, saved Rome from a huge crisis and then said “eff this noise, I’m out.” He packed up his royal gear and retired to his farm.

The Poison is the Dose

Credits: wallpapersdsc

Most emperors poisoned themselves in an effort to make themselves immune. The problems here are that 1) THERE ARE TONS OF DIFFERENT KINDS OF POISONS and 2) LETHAL ACCUMULATION WILL KILL YOU.

This was a terrible terrible terrible plan.

Maybe just AVOID EATING POISON AS A GENERAL RULE.

Deserters

Credits: pinterest

In roughly 117 A.D, Hadrian, the Roman Emperor at the time, made the attempted suicide of a Roman soldier illegal, declaring it a form of desertion. Desertion was a capital offence, meaning if you wanted to kill yourself and didn’t succeed, you were killed anyway. This is a totally depressing, totally morbid WIN-WIN.

Not-So-Forward-Thinking

Credits: raw story

Nero, emperor, married a dude name Sporus, a freed slave who became his bride. But this isn’t some feel-good, do-the-right-thing, forward-thinking inspiration. Nero was a lunatic who literally thought he could make Sporus a bride by castrating him.

P.S. Homeboy also murdered his own mom, Agrippina the Younger, his first wife, and his second wife.

Rose Water

Women in Ancient Rome would often drink turpentine so that their pee pee smelled like roses. If you’re going to gargle with it anyway…