Inverted cross

Credits: teepublic

The inverted cross is not actually a Satanic symbol, it’s actually the symbol of Saint Peter, one of Jesus’ homeboys. Dude didn’t feel worthy of BEING MURDERED ON A CROSS LIKE JESUS WAS which is a totally cool thing and so he GOT MURDERED ON A CROSS UPSIDE DOWN BECAUSE WOW THAT’S A THING YOU DO.

So to confirm: inverted cross, not satanic, actually super Christian.

LUCIFERIANISM

Credits: Wikipedia

APPARENTLY, THERE IS A THING CALLED LUCIFERIANISM THAT IS NOT SATANISM BUT OH MY GOD WHY DO PPL HAVE TO BE SO FRIGGIN’ DIFFICULT?

Luciferians believe in the rejection of all orthodoxy and junk and it’s more of a philosophy modeled after the Lucifer in the bible and not like an actual worshipping of like a devil dude.

The Satanic Bible

Credits: amazon

Satanism doesn’t actually preach violence, unless, that is you’ve been effed with. According to my mom’s favorite book, The Satanic Bible “:  “When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.”

This is like what something Mother Theresa would have said if she WASN’T SUCH A WEAK BABY.

Backmasking

Credits: backmasking

Backmasking is a dumb thing that dummies like to talk about and it’s basically just playing a record backwards to heard a hidden message EXCEPT THE PROBLEM IS ONLY IDIOTS CAN HEAR LIKE A DOG WHISTLE FOR STUPID A-HOLES. For some reason people think that backmasking is a great way to hide messages about Satan specifically BECAUSE THAT’S OBVIOUSLY THE BEST AND MOST CONVENIENT WAY TO EFFICIENT PROSELYTIZE ABOUT YOUR UNHOLY MASTER THE DEVIL.

A “famous” (LOL @ FAMOUS) example of this is Led Zep’s Stairway to Heaven. When I was in high school all it meant was YOU BETTER NOT GET A BONER DURING THAT SONG AT A HIGH SCHOOL DANCE BECAUSE YOU ARE IN FOR A LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG RIDE.

Selling you soul

Credits: the simpsons show

There have been stories of people selling their souls to the devil since like forever. Some, like Robert Johnson, sold their souls so that they could the blues (cool) and some, like Jonathan Moulton, have sold their souls in exchange for having their boots filled with gold once a month BECAUSE OH SWEET BEARDED JESUS THESE PEOPLE ARE LOSERS WHO TRADED THEIR EVERLOVIN’ SOULS FOR THE ABSOLUTE DUMBEST THINGS.

MY MAN, WHAT ABOUT LIKE A TON OF 4 WHEELERS, SOME JETS, AND ALL THE BIG-TITTED REDHEADS YOU CAN FIT IN YOUR HOUSE??? DREAM A LITTLE BIGGER GUYS!

manitoba

Credits: now the end begins

The idea of Hell existing beneath the Earth is relatively new. This is thanks to Milton’s Paradise Lost – before that people just thought Hell was like some whatever place like Manitoba or like the ocean or whatever.

The pentagram

Credits: Prussiandragon

The pentagram is an awesome symbol you should totally scribble onto your notebooks and 100% for sure carve into your body but it’s also not originally a satanic symbol. In Judaism the symbol was on the ring of King Solomon, THE MOST METAL OF ALL THE KINGS OF ISREAL, while in Christianity it was the a symbol for the points of Jesus’ crucifixion, THE SECOND MOST METAL OF ALL CRUCIFIXTIONS (ST. PETER I GOT YOU, PLAYBOY!!!)

POLITICS ARE THE DEVIL

In spite of the fact that POLITICS ARE THE DEVIL, and that a quick search of google maps will show that it has its streets arranged like a pentagram, Washington DC is not actually a Satanic hotspot. The “satanization” of the pentagram came years and years and years after DC was built.

Occultism

Credits: abc.es

Hey yo, Occultism is not the same deal as Satanism even though they are both isms practiced by total weirdos. You see Occultism is the worship of made up junk like magic and alchemy and other straight up BS like that because APPARENTLY SCIENCE ISN’T A GOOD ENOUGH ANSWER. COME ON GUYS, GET IT TOGETHER.

Church burning

Credits: YouTube

I know you’re probably quick to credit Satanism for all the church burning that went on in the 90s in Norway but that’s because you’re stupid and don’t know anything about BLACK METAL. These church burnings had to do with the rejection of imposed ideals like Christianity and the embrace of Nordic Paganism which is surprisingly EVEN MORE METAL THAN SATANISM.