You think just because you put on a Slayer record that you found in your older cousin’s room that time your parents sent you to stay with your aunt in New Hampshire that one summer you know all about Satanism? Foolish idiot, there’s way more going on with THE DARK LORD and his followers (who are totally legion, btw) than you realize.
Here are 25 exciting facts about Satan and Satanists.
Some folks view Satan as the very first feminist. Why is that, you ask out loud, hoping someone will answer? HERE’S YOUR ANSWER: Satan helped Eve throw off the shackles of man u”the man”, AKA god, by getting her to eat some of that sweet sweet fruit of knowledge.
Two Types of Satanism
There are two types of Satanism. While both are TOTALLY AMAZING, they are different in terms of what they’re all about. Theistic Satanism believes in actually worshipping a real-life devil and Aesthetic Satanism is sort of more philosophical and into man being the most important thing and being into worshipping yourself. WHO KNEW?
Prometheus (the dude from Greek mythology, not the movie) was a dude who stole fire from the gods and gave it to regular dudes so they could exist without any magical help from the clouds. Some scholars believe the Satan myth of giving knowledge to dudes tells the same story or scratches that same mythological itch, as it were.
The Catholic Church
The Catholic Church was responsible for inventing Satanism as (a) a means of scaring dudes into being more pious and (b) a sweet excuse to burn and drown people.
They claimed folks were worshipping the devil and then wrote a totally made-up, horse crap book about it called the Malleus Maleficarum and used that as the basis for straight up MURDERING FOOLS.
Greatest Spiritual Liberator Ever
Satanists view THE DARK LORD SATAN as the greatest spiritual liberator ever. Contrary to what’s presented in popular culture, Satan is viewed by Satanists as being a hero who escaped the fascist tyranny of boring old god and chose to be free.
Satan isn’t the king of hell and he DOESN’T EVEN LIVE THERE, PLAYBOY. As per the bible, THE DEVIL (all caps) is just a demon dude walking around the Earth trying to jam everyone up, leading ‘em into temptation. PAPOW! YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT SATAN!!!!!!
HOLY EFFING EFF – Liberace, THE Liberace, LIBER-FRIGGIN’-RACE, like the Under the Candellabra Liberace was a legit card-carrying member of the church of satan. LIKE A NO JOKE MEMBER.
The idea of a goat being the symbol of satan is a pretty new deal. Ok so it’s like this: there’s this goat-headed dude named Baphomet that some dudes think is like another name for/form of THE DARK EMPEROR SATAN but it’s just that some dude named Eliphas Levi (NOT THE JEANS DUDE) named some goat-headed creature an old pope thought the Templars worshipped (because the pope was crazy) Baphomet, based on the Egyptian god Banedbjedet because he had the head of a ram and Levi thought they look similar and then the church of satan was like oh man goats are cool, let’s like use that as our logo and then put it on our baseball jerseys and junk.
RECAP: The pope accused the Templars of worshipping a goat demon because he was bat crap crazy.
600 years later, some dude thought the goat-demon could use a name so he called him Baphomet.
He chose Baphomet because it was similar to this ram-headed god named Banedbjedet
Satanist thought this WAS DOPE AS HELL and then took on the imagery
According to TOTALLY NORMAL, NOT INSANE, RATIONAL DUDE Charles Babbage, a 19th century English math genius and philosopher, the best way to summon Satan was to draw a circle on the floor using your own blood and read the lord’s prayer backwards. It didn’t work when he tried it because he was “in a weakened frame” and totally not BECAUSE HE IS BAT S#!T CRAZY AND THE DEVIL DOES NOT EXIST.
CHROME IS THE BROWSER OF THE DEVIL. THE LOGO IS 666. LOOK AT IT! YOU CANNOT UNSEE IT.