30 Crazy Weird Facts About Satan and Satanists

sturgeon - April 06, 2018
Credits:

You think just because you put on a Slayer record that you found in your older cousin’s room that time your parents sent you to stay with your aunt in New Hampshire that one summer you know all about Satanism? Foolish idiot, there’s way more going on with THE DARK LORD and his followers (who are totally legion, btw) than you realize.

Here are 25 exciting facts about Satan and Satanists.

 

Feminism

Credits: Encyclopedia satanica

Some folks view Satan as the very first feminist. Why is that, you ask out loud, hoping someone will answer? HERE’S YOUR ANSWER: Satan helped Eve throw off the shackles of man u”the man”, AKA god, by getting her to eat some of that sweet sweet fruit of knowledge.

Two Types of Satanism

Credits: spiritualray

There are two types of Satanism. While both are TOTALLY AMAZING, they are different in terms of what they’re all about. Theistic Satanism believes in actually worshipping a real-life devil and Aesthetic Satanism is sort of more philosophical and into man being the most important thing and being into worshipping yourself. WHO KNEW?

Prometheus

Credits: the subtext

Prometheus (the dude from Greek mythology, not the movie) was a dude who stole fire from the gods and gave it to regular dudes so they could exist without any magical help from the clouds. Some scholars believe the Satan myth of giving knowledge to dudes tells the same story or scratches that same mythological itch, as it were.

The Catholic Church

Credits: washington post

The Catholic Church was responsible for inventing Satanism as (a) a means of scaring dudes into being more pious and (b) a sweet excuse to burn and drown people.

They claimed folks were worshipping the devil and then wrote a totally made-up, horse crap book about it called the Malleus Maleficarum and used that as the basis for straight up MURDERING FOOLS.

 

Greatest Spiritual Liberator Ever

Credits: Whispering Worlds

Satanists view THE DARK LORD SATAN as the greatest spiritual liberator ever. Contrary to what’s presented in popular culture, Satan is viewed by Satanists as being a hero who escaped the fascist tyranny of boring old god and chose to be free.

Demon dude

Credits: jeff pearlman

Satan isn’t the king of hell and he DOESN’T EVEN LIVE THERE, PLAYBOY. As per the bible, THE DEVIL (all caps) is just a demon dude walking around the Earth trying to jam everyone up, leading ‘em into temptation. PAPOW! YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT SATAN!!!!!!

Liberace

Credits: zeppelinbend

HOLY EFFING EFF – Liberace, THE Liberace, LIBER-FRIGGIN’-RACE, like the Under the Candellabra Liberace was a legit card-carrying member of the church of satan. LIKE A NO JOKE MEMBER.

Goat-head

Credits: redbubble

The idea of a goat being the symbol of satan is a pretty new deal. Ok so it’s like this: there’s this goat-headed dude named Baphomet that some dudes think is like another name for/form of THE DARK EMPEROR SATAN but it’s just that some dude named Eliphas Levi (NOT THE JEANS DUDE) named some goat-headed creature an old pope thought the Templars worshipped (because the pope was crazy) Baphomet, based on the Egyptian god Banedbjedet because he had the head of a ram and Levi thought they look similar and then the church of satan was like oh man goats are cool, let’s like use that as our logo and then put it on our baseball jerseys and junk.

RECAP: The pope accused the Templars of worshipping a goat demon because he was bat crap crazy.

600 years later, some dude thought the goat-demon could use a name so he called him Baphomet.

He chose Baphomet because it was similar to this ram-headed god named Banedbjedet

Satanist thought this WAS DOPE AS HELL and then took on the imagery

Math genius

Credits: boing boing

According to TOTALLY NORMAL, NOT INSANE, RATIONAL DUDE Charles Babbage, a 19th century English math genius and philosopher, the best way to summon Satan was to draw a circle on the floor using your own blood and read the lord’s prayer backwards. It didn’t work when he tried it because  he was “in a weakened frame” and totally not BECAUSE HE IS BAT S#!T CRAZY AND THE DEVIL DOES NOT EXIST.

Chrome

Credits: terrific top 10

CHROME IS THE BROWSER OF THE DEVIL. THE LOGO IS 666. LOOK AT IT! YOU CANNOT UNSEE IT.

Inverted cross

Credits: teepublic

The inverted cross is not actually a Satanic symbol, it’s actually the symbol of Saint Peter, one of Jesus’ homeboys. Dude didn’t feel worthy of BEING MURDERED ON A CROSS LIKE JESUS WAS which is a totally cool thing and so he GOT MURDERED ON A CROSS UPSIDE DOWN BECAUSE WOW THAT’S A THING YOU DO.

So to confirm: inverted cross, not satanic, actually super Christian.

LUCIFERIANISM

Credits: Wikipedia

APPARENTLY, THERE IS A THING CALLED LUCIFERIANISM THAT IS NOT SATANISM BUT OH MY GOD WHY DO PPL HAVE TO BE SO FRIGGIN’ DIFFICULT?

Luciferians believe in the rejection of all orthodoxy and junk and it’s more of a philosophy modeled after the Lucifer in the bible and not like an actual worshipping of like a devil dude.

The Satanic Bible

Credits: amazon

Satanism doesn’t actually preach violence, unless, that is you’ve been effed with. According to my mom’s favorite book, The Satanic Bible “:  “When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.”

This is like what something Mother Theresa would have said if she WASN’T SUCH A WEAK BABY.

Backmasking

Credits: backmasking

Backmasking is a dumb thing that dummies like to talk about and it’s basically just playing a record backwards to heard a hidden message EXCEPT THE PROBLEM IS ONLY IDIOTS CAN HEAR LIKE A DOG WHISTLE FOR STUPID A-HOLES. For some reason people think that backmasking is a great way to hide messages about Satan specifically BECAUSE THAT’S OBVIOUSLY THE BEST AND MOST CONVENIENT WAY TO EFFICIENT PROSELYTIZE ABOUT YOUR UNHOLY MASTER THE DEVIL.

A “famous” (LOL @ FAMOUS) example of this is Led Zep’s Stairway to Heaven. When I was in high school all it meant was YOU BETTER NOT GET A BONER DURING THAT SONG AT A HIGH SCHOOL DANCE BECAUSE YOU ARE IN FOR A LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG RIDE.

Selling you soul

Credits: the simpsons show

There have been stories of people selling their souls to the devil since like forever. Some, like Robert Johnson, sold their souls so that they could the blues (cool) and some, like Jonathan Moulton, have sold their souls in exchange for having their boots filled with gold once a month BECAUSE OH SWEET BEARDED JESUS THESE PEOPLE ARE LOSERS WHO TRADED THEIR EVERLOVIN’ SOULS FOR THE ABSOLUTE DUMBEST THINGS.

MY MAN, WHAT ABOUT LIKE A TON OF 4 WHEELERS, SOME JETS, AND ALL THE BIG-TITTED REDHEADS YOU CAN FIT IN YOUR HOUSE??? DREAM A LITTLE BIGGER GUYS!

manitoba

Credits: now the end begins

The idea of Hell existing beneath the Earth is relatively new. This is thanks to Milton’s Paradise Lost – before that people just thought Hell was like some whatever place like Manitoba or like the ocean or whatever.

The pentagram

Credits: Prussiandragon

The pentagram is an awesome symbol you should totally scribble onto your notebooks and 100% for sure carve into your body but it’s also not originally a satanic symbol. In Judaism the symbol was on the ring of King Solomon, THE MOST METAL OF ALL THE KINGS OF ISREAL, while in Christianity it was the a symbol for the points of Jesus’ crucifixion, THE SECOND MOST METAL OF ALL CRUCIFIXTIONS (ST. PETER I GOT YOU, PLAYBOY!!!)

POLITICS ARE THE DEVIL

In spite of the fact that POLITICS ARE THE DEVIL, and that a quick search of google maps will show that it has its streets arranged like a pentagram, Washington DC is not actually a Satanic hotspot. The “satanization” of the pentagram came years and years and years after DC was built.

Occultism

Credits: abc.es

Hey yo, Occultism is not the same deal as Satanism even though they are both isms practiced by total weirdos. You see Occultism is the worship of made up junk like magic and alchemy and other straight up BS like that because APPARENTLY SCIENCE ISN’T A GOOD ENOUGH ANSWER. COME ON GUYS, GET IT TOGETHER.

Church burning

Credits: YouTube

I know you’re probably quick to credit Satanism for all the church burning that went on in the 90s in Norway but that’s because you’re stupid and don’t know anything about BLACK METAL. These church burnings had to do with the rejection of imposed ideals like Christianity and the embrace of Nordic Paganism which is surprisingly EVEN MORE METAL THAN SATANISM.

Metal

Credits: YouTube

Most “satanic” dudes in metal bands aren’t really devil-worshippers. Ozzy Osborne, often called the Prince of Darkness in his won right, is a member of the Church of Englang and Tom Araya of Slayer, a band who literally has a song called God Hates Us All, is also a Christian.

This is some straight up nonsense. Next you’ll tell me Christina Aguilera is not actually a genie in a bottle but instead an actual human woman.

Disney

Credits: Illuminatisymbols.info

Some idiots believe that Walt Disney himself was a Satanist BECAUSE APPARENTLY BEING A HORRIBLE RACIST AND MISOGYNIST ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH. His love of Beelzebub was rumoured to be hidden right in his signature.

Hebrew

Credits: Kabbalah Student

The word Satan comes from the Hebrew word for adversary or opposer, which is not the same thing as there being an actual dude called Satan, in spite of what you learned in Sunday School. So basically there’s like a ton of different demon dudes in the Bible that someone told you was the same dude but it’s not the same dude at all.  

Reform Church of Satanism

Credits: detroit metro times

Satanism is still alive and well in the US. In 2003, Mike Grace, a totally normal dude from Michigan started the Reform Church of Satanism with the idea that this could be a community of like-minded Satanists, preaching that it’s about self-responsibility and the ability to enjoy yourself without it being at the detriment of others.

All things considered this is like 300% more reasonable than just about every other religion that’s like cool or like popular or whatever.

The Lesser Key of King Solomon

Credits: The 13th Floor

There’s this old, dusty ass grimoire called The Lesser Key of King Solomon that apparently can show you how to summon like a ton of different cool demons that aren’t totally evil! Bet you thought all these dudes were going to “raise a little hell” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA but no – Buer, the 10th demon can TOTALLY HELP YOU HEAL SOME DUDES USING HERBS, Eligos, the 15th demon can TOTALLY REVEAL SOME SECRETS AND HELP YOU SEE THE GOD DANG FUTURE, etc.