29 Chilling Facts That Will Creep You Out
Do you like to have your brains freaked out? Do you want to be spooked and kooked? Do you want to be chilled and thrilled? Do you want to be OTHER THINGS SYNONYMOUS WITH CREEPY AND FREAKY?!?!?!
This is a good list of creepy junk that you will like for sure, you big old weirdo!
DON’T DO IT, MICKEY!
Mickey Mouse apparently isn’t always the happy go-lucky “aww-shoot”, “aww-shucks”, “golly gee” type of dude we all know and love. As you’ll see in the strip below, homeboy is feeling down about the universe and is up to his eyeholes in some existential funk.
DON’T DO IT, MICKEY! THE WORLD CAN STILL BE A BEAUTIFUL PLACE!
Grow a pube? MURDERED
In the original, pre-Disney Peter Pan, when the Lost Boys got to be too old, Sweet Pete would MURDER a fool.
Is that a handsome mustache I see? MURDERED.
Grow a pube? MURDERED.
All of a sudden you enjoy the taste of coffee and want to get a Costco membership? MURDERED.
The Lost Boys weren’t young forever. Peter was just killing them off and bringing in more kids to replace them. BTW, this is the same policy that Abercrombie & Fitch uses.
The 1980 film Cannibal Holocaust caused quite the stir when it was released because of SURPRISE SURPRISE, A MOVIE NAMED CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST WASN’T SHOWN AT CHURCH SOCIALS.
It was so incredibly realistic and horrifically gruesome that the makers had to go to court to prove it wasn’t a documentary.
Flying is Safe
In the last 70 years, about 90 commercial airplanes have disappeared without little known trace.
Math wizards will be quick to note that this is MORE THAN ONE PLANE A YEAR.
Yeah, sure, flying is safer than driving but I’VE NEVER FRIGGIN’ VANISHED WHILE GOING OUT TO BUY DIAPERS.
World's Worst Chili
Infamous serial killer William Suff, aka The Riverside Prostitute Killer aka Lake Elsinore Killer, liked to impersonate cops. Dude murdered his wife and two-month-old baby and then went on to murder like a ton of hookers and even used one of their breasts to make what some are calling THE WORLD’S WORST CHILI.
If you’re like me, you’re all like “man, let’s calcify the heck out of some animals”. Lucky for guys like us, there’s a spot in Tanzania called Lake Natron that has such insane level of alkaline (and almost as much ammonia, YUM!) that when animals enter the water, they calcify, preserved as grotesque, grey statues.
In 1977, Ohio State University’s Big Ear radio telescope (yes this is a real thing, and not what happens when you let small children name a piece of super expensive equipment) picked up a signal FROM OUTER SPACE (SAY WHAT?!?!) that lasted for 72 seconds.
It came from the constellation Sagittarius and is still unexplained to this day. Warning about the impending destruction of our universe at the hands of some as yet unseen force? Maybe! Recipe for Sci-Fi Soufflé? Fingers crossed!!!
Do you ever wonder what kind of horses ghost cowboys ride when they’re roaming the country trying to collect souls for the devil?
Well then, you should head to the Denver International Airport to get your peepers locked on this creepy-as-heck HELL HORSE they got going on down there. I straight up understand why people think this place is haunted. LOOK AT THIS THING! Also, when this evil creature was being built, it collapsed and crushed the original artist. It’s like it knew it was too evil for the world and in a rare moment of selflessness, it tried to spare the world the ache, misery, and pure terror of its existence.
A skeleton measuring only 6 inches long was found near a deserted Chilean town. It looks like a teensy weensy human with its ten widdle wibs and its widdle defowmed head. Look at the cuuuute widdle fetus skeleton…
Straight up: baby talk about something incredibly vile makes it THAT much worse.
You know why Jamie Lee Curtis is always doing those probiotic commercials right? She’s trying to keep the gut overlords appeased.
There’s a ton of gnarly bacteria up in them guts. Some are there to help you digest food, the same bacteria that will no joke digest you after you die.
If your gut bacteria can do that when you die, what’s stopping it from doing it now????!!!!???
Jamie Lee Curtis had the right idea y’all: give your guts some poo‘gurt.
Bombs and Thumbs
Hey friend, here’s a pro tip for you, free of charge: if you ever find yourself in the vicinity of an atomic bomb going off, just hold your thumb up to the mushroom cloud. If the cloud is bigger than your thumb, well, you’re gonna die! I mean, go ahead and try to run, and I guess maybe you can make it, I mean probably not, like, you’re just gonna die. Bummer, my man.
If your thumb is bigger than the mushroom cloud, hooray! No dying, maybe just some light poisoning and unforgiving tan lines!
Laughter Is Not the Best Medicine
Turns out my parents were wrong about more than just me being able to become anything I want: LAUGHTER IS NOT THE BEST MEDICINE.
You can DIE, as in BE DEAD AND NOT ALIVE, from laughing too much.
There have been at least 10 recorded deaths by laughter. Typically death occurs from asphyxiation or cardiac arrest but laughter is the finger on the trigger.
Here’s something you should not try after getting high with your uncle in the garage at a family barbeque: it takes the same amount of pressure to bite through your finger as it does a baby carrot.
Go Hang Yourself
Believe it or don’t, Colgate Toothpaste has undergone a spot of controversy in some parts of the world. Apparently, in certain Spanish dialects, the word “Colgate” sort of loosely translates to “go hang yourself”.
Not to be outdone, Argentinian shampoo company “Buttface” is beginning to court some controversy in parts of Canada and the US.
Life in North Korea is rough. Not only this a spot where you must worry about a crazy dictator, mandatory military service, and government executions, you’re also forced to select from a list of 28 gov’t-approved haircuts.
Lucky for you, that 28 includes both The Rachel and The Leo-from-Titanic.
Yo playboy, you like magic? Yes? EXCELLENT because I’m about to presto-poof you some magic facts.
The word ABRACADABRA means “I will create as I speak” whereas the words AVADA KEDAVRA means “I will destroy as I speak” (which you would totally know if you were into Harry Potter).
Here’s what they don’t tell you about statistics in school: stats are creepy as hell.
Here’s a fun stat for you (THAT WILL TURN YOU INTO A SHUT-IN): if you live in an average-sized city for the bulk of your life, you’re going to cross paths with 16 murderers in your lifetime (FRIGGIN’ SIXTEEEEEEENNN!!!).
Here’s the math on that:
You encounter 10 new ppl a day x 365 days a year x 71 year life = 260K unique ppl you cross paths within your lifetime
Every 6 in 100,000 ppl is a murderer so if you encounter 260,000 new ppl in your life, that’s like 15.6 murderers.
Enjoy never going outside again! At least you’ll have a chance to clear your PVR!
Did you know that your disgusting face is a buffet for creepy little bugs? They’re called Demodex and they live in your eyelashes and eat your skin. Guess you can’t clear that PVR because you will be living in your shower forever.
Rare Mental Illness
I guess now is as good a time as any to add another fear to my ever-growing list of junk that keeps me up at night.
There’s a rare mental illness called Cotard Delusion that basically makes you think you’re either dead, don’t exist, exsanguinated (that’s losing all your blood, homeboy), or missing internal organs. So you just think that you’re already dead and then basically stop giving an eff about yourself or anything else, fall into a DEEEEEEEEEEEP depression, and then, because you aren’t eating or sleeping or bathing, YOU DIE.
Sounds perfect. So stoked that I now know about this.
Why Does This Exist?
Ok, before we get into this one, I’m gonna need an old priest and a young priest…
There’s a type of horned lizard (that comes from the BOWELS OF HELL) that STRAIGHT UP SHOOTS BLOOD FROM ITS EYES as a means of self-defense.
Oh wait, it gets worse: the lizard can shoot this blood up to SIX WHOLE FEET.
Why does this exist? What kind of just god would allow this thing to live?
Apparently, tourist spots in Japan are different than those off Route 66. I’m down for the world’s biggest ball of twine or seeing a cactus that looks like Willie Nelson but in Japan, folks don’t seem to go for that. Instead, the Aokigahara forest, AKA THE SUICIDE FOREST, is a hot spot for tourists.
At no point ever on any vacation that I’ve ever been on have I said to my wife “LET’S GO FIND THE PLACE WHERE EVERYONE KILLS THEMSELVES”.
At least they have signs up begging folks to reconsider ending their own lives. That’s a step in the right direction anyway.
You ever notice all that waxy junk on corpses because of course you did, you’re big into corpses, just like a normal dude.
Well, that junk is called adipocere, aka corpse wax, aka grave wax, aka mortuary wax, aka you get the picture here.
This stuff builds in spots that have high moisture levels and minimal oxygen, like in mud or the bottom of a lake, you know, all the normal places you’d find a corpse.
There is more bacteria in your mouth than there are dudes on Planet Earth. “In one month, the number of bacteria can easily exceed the number of people who live on Earth,” says Sigmund Socransky, associate clinical professor of periodontology at Harvard, and man with the totally not gross or boring job of studying mouth germs.
All that said, at least you now have an explanation for the stink in your face…
Exploding Head Syndrome
Here’s a delightfully named illness: Exploding Head Syndrome, aka episodic cranial sensory shock (which totally sounds less impressive because it doesn’t mention exploding heads).
It’s not like a Scanners type situation where dudes’ heads are exploding, it’s more of an auditory hallucination, where you hear these loud ass explosions when you’re falling asleep or waking up.
I don’t know about you but waking up every morning, terrified I’m in a dang warzone sounds super pleasant.
Excellent at Murdering
The French, in spite of being bad at war, are excellent at murdering, ESPECIALLY when it comes to murdering by way of the almighty guillotine. Sure, the guillotine really rose to fame during the French Revolution (the snootiest revolution, btw), but it was actually last used the same year Star Wars came out, 1977.
37 Trillion Cells
Human beings lose roughly 30,000 to 40,000 dead skin cells every minute which is like 50 million skin cells a single day. So by the time you reach adulthood, you will have lost roughly 37 trillion cells because you are disgusting as hell and it’s a miracle anyone will have sex with anyone else.
In news that will shock no one, researchers have found that keyboards in some offices are dirtier than toilets. Research done by the University of Arizona found that the average keyboard in an office has 400 times more bacteria than the toilet seat in your office. Which makes sense if you think about the number of disgusting animals in your office who don’t wash their hands after dropping a deuce or making a little pee pee. Or think of the clandestine booger-pickers that go straight back to typing after a little pick-and-flick.
People in your office are disgusting pigs. I highly recommend you talk to someone in HR about this.
If you ever want to get an ego check about your worth and impact as a human dude, just think that after your death, you probably aren’t worth jack squat. Here’s what I mean: in the 1982 movie Poltergeist (SHOUT OUT CRAIG T. NELSON – GO GET ‘EM COACH!!!) they used REAL SKELETONS as props because they cost less money than fake replicas.
The Dancing Plague
The Dancing Plague of 1518, aka the Dance Epidemic, aka Dance Dance Revolution, aka So You Think You Can Dance, started when 400 people (re: IDIOTS) took to the streets and danced for weeks on end without rest. After about a month of popping AND locking, these fools began dying from strokes, exhaustion, or heart attacks.
They still don’t know why these idiots couldn’t stop dancing but if I had to hazard a guess, I would suspect Conga by Miami Sound Machine is to blame.