25 Walmart People You Might Turn into One Day
Walmart is one of the largest, most lucrative stores in the entire world so it shouldn’t be a shock that it attracts folks from far and wide, people who share a variety of opinions on what is and is not acceptable in public.
Here are 25 weirdos at Walmart:
Our question here is basically: is this pre- or post-wedding? Did they realize they didn’t have the “something blue”? Did they decide to ditch the reception and instead go out and take advantage of Walmart’s everyday low prices? Wait, we actually have more questions: Is this the groom? Is he also a Juggalo? Did she ditch her would-be husband at the altar for the Juggalo? Why does our word processing software keep auto-capitalizing Juggalo? Either way, they should consider this a huge win romantically.
Wanna be friends?
We’re going to take away some points for lack of symmetry in the hair but kudos on getting down to the neck – that’s a commitment you have to respect. Either Walmart is early on the Xmas decorations or this is this woman’s deal all year long!
Whatever the “it” on this guy’s shirt is, you know he did it. Worse, you know he did it high as a kite on cat tranquilizers.
This is what your dad does when your mom goes on her one weekend away a year.
This is what happens when the janitor at your high school breaks into the chem lab.
This is what happens when you give meth to a leprechaun.
In case you’re wondering what’s going on here, Walmart also sells beer…
This poor man’s Stone Cold obviously got into a couple of ice cold Steveweisers before deciding to wrassle himself up some fish.
This dude lives like every day is the friggin 4th of July. This guy rides around in the Evil Knievel jumpsuits of wheelchairs. We’re talkin’ ‘bout AMERICA DARNIT. This guy is hot dogs, and baseball, and showing respect to the best flag on the planet!
We just can’t figure out why he has an Irish robot or a parrot.
Down to Bang
This guy is about maximum efficiency. I’m going to shop and try and get some strange at the same time. Don’t let the quiet sweetness of his note fool you, this dude is DOWN TO BANG.
Also, he sprung for the good quality tape, letting potential suitors know he’s got some cash to flash. He could’ve gone for scotch or masking but my man went DUCT, BABY!
This is like the mullet equivalent of a cellphone salesman’s outfit. All business casual up front until your eyes scroll on down those slacks and PAPOW, you’re in stiletto town. We’re going to assume the cane is for added support but everyone knows that you put an expensive camera on a tripod, not stilts.
"ONE Dread Please”
This woman clearly went to Walmart’s hair salon and ask-bellowed, “Why don’t you give me the freshly sheared wool look”. Or maybe, “Hi, I’d like ONE dread please”. Or “Can you please give me the I-got-my-hair-caught-in-an-industrial-fan?”
What do you do when your arms and legs are the same lengths? Why, you perch yourself on ultra-classy™ glass heels but also make sure that you keep the straps as oddly and nonsensically knotted as possible. Now you’re 6’8” but every sneeze is a gamble…
Eyebrows OR Tiara?
I’m sorry, John, it was a trick question, the answer was actually: birthmark. But thanks for playing and to you folks at home, thanks for watching another fun-filled episode of (audience yells in unison) EYEBROWS OR TIARA!!!!!
Strawberry Shortcake no longer gives a hot fart about anything anymore. It’s okay though… at least you can still buy a cake and eat it alone in the shower.
OMG so Hot!
You’ve clearly made a life choice that requires you to wear nothing but open-toed shoes. You have to not admire anyone who is going to dedicate themselves to being so completely repulsive that they have to literally limit their clothing options so that they can keep grossing you out.
Looking like disgusting corn chips or Twizzles covered in crushed Doritos or a tube of lipstick crapped out by a horse.
Keep the Change Bro!
Here’s a man who’s about to touch your produce, washcloths, change, with his hand literally up his own arse. Maybe Walmart insurance isn’t great but you probably don’t need to be checking your prostate AT THE CASH.
There’s something wholesome and tender about seeing a young boy sitting on his father’s shoulders- maybe they’re at a summer concert and dad wants to make sure his son gets to make the most of this experience, knowing that it will be something he cherishes forever, something that, when eulogizing his father (taken all too soon, of course), will be the focal point of him demonstrating his father’s kindness.
A mom letting her kid stand on her huge butt is some other crazy altogether.
She Said Yes!
”Sweetheart, I knew when I saw you in the canned vegetable aisle that I was in love. So I’d like to ask you now in front of this cashier, God, and toenail lady, will you marry me?”
Wondering what she’s shopping for? It’s elastics. Mystery solved.
I just hope that this is a hairstyle forced upon her by a cult and not some aesthetic choice.
Who Needs Real Children?
Walmart has too much weird to be contained by its four walls; sometimes the weirdness spills out into the parking lot.
If you’re going to pretend that these absolutely terrifying triplets are real children, you could at least crack a goshdar window.
He's Actually a Nice Dude
-So Jermaine, what are your plans for today?
-Oh you know, the usual: dress up like a clown, get some dental work done by someone absolutely unqualified using nothing but gardening tools, get some frozen peas… Typical Wednesday stuff.
Call the Cops...
It’s so nice that this kind gentleman is giving his girlfriend a ride around Walmart on the handlebars of his little motor scooter. Oh wait, it’s his daughter and he’s in a wheelchair. Why would he let his daughter out of the house like this… Oh… oh, wait… Nope.
It’s a pre-teen sex doll dressed like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL. I don’t care if you haven’t done anything yet – get someone from Minority Report here, we’ve got a pre-crime. This dude will try to hump a child. Guaranteed.
This dad has decided to make a point by embarrassing his daughter. His point evidently is that he’s a butthole and double-standards are totally cool.
World’s. Worst. Superman. Costume.
Looks like she’s getting some photos developed too. I would pay all the money to see those photos…
Mrs. Doubtfire Meets Hulk Hogan
Mrs. Doubtfire meets Hulk Hogan. This outfit works. It says to the world that, yes, I do give an eff about how I look, but just not here. Basically, I want to look good, just not for you people.
Walk of Shame
Some would say walk of shame, we would say ride of pride. When the sexing last night was so good you don’t give an eff what you wear to get your frozen burritos.
I see your Lil’ Yachty and I raise you all of the Diabetes. I can’t imagine the thought process and conversations that led to this happening.
Tell me more.
It’s probably not April Fools. This is Walmart, guys. Anything goes. Keep in mind that these days, since gender is fluid, he can revert back to being a man at any time… so be careful.