Come into work with a major hangover. Make sure you look disheveled and you’re not sure what decade it is. For maximum effect, swish some Jack Daniels around your mouth just before coming in. I have a feeling your boss will throw you a bone and let you leave early.
Punch a coworker. Nothing serious – like no throat punches or anything of that sort. Just pick someone smaller than you (someone you can beat up if things take a turn for the worst.) Make sure your superior is looking and POW! Right in the kisser. It’s very likely that you will immediately be sent home.
Grab some coffee and spill it all over your office equipment. Make sure you really get it inside the computer where the circuit boards are. I’d recommend you keep the computer on so that there can be a nice puff of smoke to draw the most attention.
“Can’t do any work with no computer, I guess I’ll have to go home!” is what you’ll be saying as you leave triumphantly.
Everyone does it. It’s not a big deal. You did it for the first 8 years of your life, you can do it again. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, just a little nugget. If you’re worried about this, just get a diaper and it’ll be a breeze. No one’s gonna make you stay and work with a poopy diaper.
K for this one, you gotta make sure that there are no cameras filming this illegal activity. (You could make it look like an accident, but I dunno… I wouldn’t risk it.)
Once you pull one of these bad boys, you’re basically free. You can say you got lost or something. No one is gonna bug you about it.
Pretend to be sick! It’s the oldest trick in the book and Bart Simpson approved. Make sure you look up the symptoms so your acting is good. They will be ushering you out the door so fast ’cause Karen CANNOT GET SICK RIGHT NOW.
Divorce is a tough thing. I wouldn’t know for sure ’cause I’m not divorced or married but I’ve definitely pulled this card to get out of work a few times and it works like a charm. It’s all in the slouch and facial features. You gotta get them to say “Hey man, what’s up? You need to talk?” The rest is easy. You got this.
Few have the brass balls to try this, but have you thought about being honest?
Tell your boss that you’re just not feeling it today and you’d rather be out golfing. Tell him you’ll be back tomorrow morning and to just take a chill pill.
You’ll be surprised how many bosses would be okay with that. They just want the truth. Enough with the games.
Break a pipe and flood your office. This may result in a prison sentence and millions in water damage, but I can assure you, you’ll probably get the rest of the day off. No one wants to work in sewage.
We all have that pale friend who microwaves all their food and lives on the interwebs. Chances are this person knows how to hack computers. Buy him some hot pockets and get him to hack your work comps. Whatever it takes to make sure no work can be done.
To make it more convincing, yell something like “Dammit, I was really hoping to get work done today!” as you leave your office.
We previously mentioned that you could try pretending to be sick. Not all of us are good at acting. What you can do is actually get sick. This could result in MANY days off from work – which is great! You can get sick by eati food that has gone bad or licking public benches. You figure it out.
Pick your favorite swear word. Stand up and say it loud and proud. Keep saying it. Louder and LOUDER. EVENTUALLY (it could take a little while) you will be escorted out of the building. So simple, right?
Do you have kids? Yes? Perfect!
Schedule your kids to come in when you want to leave and make sure they are well scripted and rehearsed. They should come in and say, “Please Daddy, why don’t you have time for us anymore?” so that everyone can hear and see.
Your coworkers will feel bad and convince your boss that you should be allowed to leave.
Ever been on a bad Tinder date? Good thing you had that backup friend who you could text and they would call you with a fake emergency. You had no choice but to pick up the phone and learn of this shocking news and be forced to leave early.
This can be directly applied to your work situations. GOOD LUCK!
“I have lady problems and I need to leave!”
BOOM. You can leave. No questions asked.
“I have man problems and I need to leave!”
Not as effective.
We aren’t psychopaths here so we aren’t going to suggest that you fake the death of a PERSON. But how about a cat? That’s believable, right?
The false death of a family pet is less of a moral issue and it’s guaranteed to work.
Sometimes you gotta think outside the box. What if you got everyone in your office to gang up on your boss and convince him to let all of y’alls leave work early for happy hour.
It’ll be like when you were kids and you’d try to convince your parents to go to a restaurant and we know they always caved.
“Hey guys, someone broke into my house. I have to leave and assess the damage and fill out the police reports.”
Who in their right mind would question that? Unless you said it last week, you’re good.
OH DANG! You forgot that today is a very special holiday in your religion (please see our article about Satanists).
If your boss doesn’t let you leave, he’s got a lawsuit on his hands and FOX News will be all over that.
You’ll need an accomplice for this one. Someone you trust.
You both have a meeting together to discuss the reports or whatever BS you do at your work. BUT. There IS NO MEETING. You split up and enjoy your tub and a glass of wine.
Get injured or at least pretend to. I’d recommend a twisted ankle so you can fall down and send papers flying everywhere. You’ll go to the clinic to get it “checked out” but you’re actually going to go home and take a nap.
Ha! Stupid coworkers.
They’ll “FALL” for anything.
Don’t say anything. Just cry. You’ll make everyone so uncomfortable, I bet you’ll be out of there in 5 minutes.
Don’t stop until you’re home and back in your blankets. You can continue to cry if you wish. hat is optional.
Let’s say you have an identical twin. Pay them a few bucks so they can replace you at work and you can leave early and get a GD break.
This isn’t that hard, you just gotta be resourceful.
You know that crazy guy on the bus who mumbles and screams to himself? Try doing that in the office. I haven’t tried it myself but I think it’s a good way to leave work early. There’s going to be a security escort, but once you’re out the building they’ll leave you alone.
This is extreme but it works. The awkwardness surrounding it will ensure that your departure will be discrete.
The question is – how do you smell bad on command? I’m not too sure, but you can start by sampling some fart sprays on Amazon or rubbing a raw onion in your armpits. I’m sure you’ll find the most effective scent.